May 28, 2012

Esther 1:1 NKJV
Now it came to pass in the days of Ahasuerus (this was the Ahasuerus who reigned over one hundred and twenty-seven provinces, from India to Ethiopia).

I am so sorry that I haven’t been on my web page for a long period. A lot has happened since my last devotional and with time I can write about it. For now I just want to get back into the swing of things.

One thing I have learned in this break is that God’s timing is perfect and that He does choose the person He wants for the job that He needs done. That is actually the moral of the story of Esther, and it is in this book that I am really beginning to see just how God does maneuver us into position. That was an important lesson to learn because I have been asking God a lot lately why certain things are happening, and when I do He leads me to these Scriptures and it is in them I hear His answer.

The first lesson we are going to glean from this study is that when we read “Now it came to pass” it is just the author’s way of opening a story. As we will go along we will see that nothing doesn’t just happen to pass by God. He has a plan and a purpose. It just so happened that a very powerful king is throwing a huge party in his honor and not withholding anything for this event, sparing no expense and lavishing others with drinks and food and more drinks.
His Queen, Queen Vashti, is having a party for herself with the other females. Everyone is celebrating and this celebration went on for a long time and is now about to come to an end. This is when the King orders the Queen to appear before him wearing her crown. Theologians debate if this King wanted the Queen to appear wearing only the crown. They believe that is why Vashti says no to him. I am not sure if that is the case but we will just assume that it was. The Queen hears this request and she refuses to do what the King has ordered. Her punishment for refusing the King is to be put away from him.

This punishment may sound harsh, but it is justified by saying that if the King does not do this then all the women will follow the example of Queen Vashti and be disrespectful to their husbands. They all had their own reasons for wanting to see her punished. All of them wanted to be master of their own home and this is one sure way they would guarantee they would get it.

This is a bad situation and we are going to continue reading and learn how God works through this. For today I just want us to stop and focus on the opening words of today’s devotional: Now it came to pass….It happened. This is not a good thing to happen and it came during a celebration so it was at a time least expected. Nevertheless it happened, and when it does happen it closes one door but we will learn it will open another.

It came to pass but as it does pass, it goes by God and nothing stays the same once it goes by God.

I Met God Today

Psalm 46:1

 God is our refuge and strength. A very present help in trouble.

 

I met God today. He stood about 5 feet 8 inches and was an elder gentleman. His hair was all white and so was his trim beard and mustache. He had soft blue eyes and the sweetest smile that lit up his face. He came to my house today, pulled right up in a tan Camry. I didn’t see him pull in the driveway. I was busy cleaning the kitchen and trying to distract myself. I try to distract the ‘whys’ that come in my head, I try to blink back the tears that so easily come to my eyes. I try to swallow the fear that creeps up my neck and chokes me. I try but I am not usually that good. Today as I did the dishes I was sad again and going down the lonely road when the doorbell rang.

I came around the corner and saw the car first and wondered who it might be and what they would want. I stopped and took a deep breath because I didn’t want to go to the door crying. As I opened it up I saw this man holding mail in his hand. He saw me and his smile went from ear to ear and I heard him say through the screen door, “hi neighbor.” I opened it up and he said hello to me and then he explained that my mail got delivered to his house. He said he was just going to put it in the mailbox and let the mail carrier re-deliver it but then he said he would have missed the chance of meeting me.

As I took the mail I noticed it was Gary’s medication and I am not sure why but I shared with him that my husband has a brain injury. He looked at me really seriously and asked if there was anything he could do for me. I went on to tell him thank you but no, I then said, “Our God is Sovereign and He is Sovereign over all the earth and He knows what He is doing and that my husband is there a part of God’s plan. Then I said you may pray for us if you want.

His smile came back instantly and he said he would pray for us and never forget. Then he crossed over my threshold and hugged me tightly and kissed my cheek and said, God loves you and so do I.  I thanked him and as he started to walk away he turned back and said, “Just think I was just going to put that in my mailbox and let the mailman re-deliver it but then I would have missed meeting you and learning you had a prayer request.” I smiled and him and wished him well and he got in his car he drove away.

On my mail he wrote, “Hi neighborJ! This got miss-delivered. I smiled now ear to ear and I thanked God for this man’s visit and returned back to the kitchen. It was then that I realized, “I just met God.”  He was there in the body of that elderly man and he brought me my mail and he hugged me and kissed me and told me he loved me.

I needed God today, I really needed God today and that was the constant cry I was having in my heart all morning. I kept saying I need You, I need You, I need You…..and He showed up.

My God is my refuge and my strength. A very present help in trouble. I know I just met Him-today!

Love never fails

! Cor. 13:8
Love never fails

One of the devotional readers asked me a very good question and that is why I post the negative words spoken to me and not any of the positive. I have to be honest with you; she really spoke the words God wanted me to hear. Why do I? I asked a mental health provider and she told me that is because hate is such a strong emotion that it over powers all the others. Now this chapter in Corinthians makes perfect sense and we all know and understand what is being taught. Love the only thing in this world which cannot fail is the one thing we push out of our way for hate.

This week was a rough week for me. In fact in this week two separate women said something very mean to me but…but this week over 100 people have said something sweet, positive, loving and nurturing to me. It is those who allowed God to speak through them and give to me words of encouragement.

I want to thank all of the men and women who support me in this horrific time of my life. I cannot tell you how much joy your words of encouragement mean to me. They always come at a time when I am feeling down and pick me up. They show up in my mailbox seconds after some discouraging thought has come to my mind. I then turn my thoughts back to God and thank Him for what I read and for lifting my soul up. This week after hearing the words of meanness came a thousand words of sweetness and I thanked God for all of them.

Gary’s brain injury is permanent and that is being confirmed over and over by the doctors. I serve a God who can do far more than the impossible. I also serve a God who can choose to leave Gary this way. Either way, He is still the God I serve. God showed me -then reminded me that heartless people will always be with me. However, loving and supportive people will be there to and I just have to learn to let their words drown out the hateful words. I have to be more intentional about telling all of you what happiness a good word brings to a person who is hurting.

Love never fails, it can be pushed out of the way and replaced by hate but it is always there waiting to be brought right back. God’s love never fails and He calls upon us to love one another in the same way. I know that Gary has no memory of me. However, Gary does remember that I am his wife and that we are married. He tells me often that he knows he loves me and it is just on his bad days when he forgets all that. He will have good and bad days the rest of his life. All I can say to that: love never fails and his love for me will always be there and my love for him will always be there and God’s love for us will always be there. LOVE NEVER FAILS-PRAISE GOD.

April 23, 2012

1 Corinthians 13:7
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes in all things, endures all things.

As I type this devotional tonight my husband is at his brother’s house living there for a short time. The reason is that much like the woman in the movie “The Vow,” Gary has no memory of me and he feels safest with his brother Guy. I understand that and still letting him go, letting him stay is the hardest thing I have yet to do. That is because I truly want Gary home with me. The doctors are not giving us much to hope for these days. Most of them concur that if Gary was going to recover he would have shown improvements by this date. Based on all their years of medical knowledge, they feel that any improvement Gary makes will be good but not significant.

Then there is Gary’s brother, who just so happens to be Gary’s identical twin brother, and he feels that Gary will recover some of his short-term memory skills. If Gary does that then he can be reintroduced to me and we can date. He fell in love with me once so I could pray he would fall in love with me again.
In the movie the couple divorced, and it is after some time that she finally comes around looking for her husband. We learn in the credits that they married again and had children. The story ended and it was a happy ending. I may not get a happy ending to my story and that can be my reality.

Another part of my reality is that I know God can heal Gary, but He may choose not to. We need to remember that when Jesus walked on the earth He healed a lot; He left even more unhealed–not because He didn’t love them but because it was not God’s will for them to be healed. It may not be God’s will for Gary to be healed and that can be a definite reality for me. While that is my reality, I also have Christ with me in my reality. With Christ my reality may scare me, but I know Christ never leaves me and He will stay with me. It is for that reason that I can endure, bear, believe and hope in all things. That is how crazy love is and that is how crazy in love God wants us to be.

April 19, 2012

Love is not rude, selfish or resentful, and does not think evil. (1 Corinthians 13)

It is very difficult for any of us to follow this verse when our lives have been turned upside down. The hurt that I feel cannot be adequately expressed. I just know that EVERYTHING my life consisted of vanished in one night and while Gary is here, he is only physically here. Every now and then some parts of Gary will come back and he is like the old Gary, but just when I rejoice it leaves him.

There are times when I just want to scream, throw something and have a tantrum. There were times when I did but they do little to elevate the pain I feel. The one thing I try not to be is rude, selfish, resentful or think evil. Now I have to be honest, I do think evil but not about Gary. Sorry, but if you bug me during this hard time in my life, I am thinking evil about you and I try very hard not to and I give that to God. See, I told you I would be honest about my own sins.

I don’t think evil about Gary, I only think of healing for Gary. I want Gary healed and so I pray all day for Gary to be healed. I try not to be rude with Gary, but when I repeat for the 1000th time where the cutting board goes I sound a bit rude. I try not to be selfish, but at the end of the day I just want some time to be alone and beg God for help. I try really hard not to be resentful; I do resent this life every now and then.

I want every caretaker to read this and understand. Just as we have to give extra love to the ones we care for, we must give extra love to ourselves. We are human and we get discouraged and worn down. When we feel rude, resentful or selfish we need to learn to get over that and forgive ourselves. Have you ever read the Book of Psalms? King David is one of the biggest crybabies ever! He moans to God all the time about those who give him a hard time. He asks God to destroy them. This tells me that God knows we are going to be a moaning group and that is why He tells us how to love. He wants to take the moan right out of our speech.

This is a hard verse and I understand how hard it is, but more importantly, so does God. He made you, He put you on this road and He cares for you. So if you have to moan, go to God and moan and if you need human ears go to your support group. We all understand what is behind your moaning. Just remember, God loves you and so do I.

April 16, 2012

Love is longsuffering and kind. (1 Corinthians 13:4)

To be longsuffering and kind to the person you are married to may require that you are not longsuffering and kind to others. This concept doesn’t naturally occur to some but it is one I taught my children. If you open your Bibles up and read you will notice that the vow made between a husband and wife is a covenant relationship they enter into with God. It has a holy purpose. The purpose of the covenant marriage is to teach this fallen sinful world about the love Christ has for His Church. He is our Bridegroom and the Church is His Bride. Therefore it is imperative that each married couple understands fully the impact that they should have on this world. Gary and I were both previously married and divorced, so it was through mistakes we regret and confessed before God that we entered into a new union. Neither of us took this lightly and both of us met with the Pastor and explained what we learned and how we desired to honor God with this new covenant of marriage.

In the movie “The Vow,” the wife has lost 5 years of her long-term memory but has short-term memory. The last 5 years she has lost are the years she spent with her husband. As she is preparing to leave the hospital her parents and sister swoop in to collect her and bring her home. The doctor does explain that the best place for this woman to be is at her home with her husband. Her parents balk at this because their daughter does not remember this man, and this is how they sinfully separate husband and wife. It is a sin because in the marriage vows we claim that only God can separate husband and wife and that is through death. All other attempts to end the marriage are the work of Satan.

I guess we can say that it is understandable that the parents would want their child back. Who among us would not want to take care of our child? However, and this is a big however, if your child is married then it is their spouse who takes care of them and not the parent. The same theory goes to siblings. I have mulled this over a few times and wondered myself if Gary is better off living with his brother Guy. This was suggested to me by a “family friend” and I did give it thought. Then God spoke to me loudly and clearly and this is what He said:

I AM Sovereign, I knew Gary was single for over 15 years and I chose you to be his wife. I knew that Gary would die suddenly in bed, I woke you up. I knew that Gary would lose oxygen to his brain, I knew he would have a brain injury. I woke him up from the coma, I have healed him thus far. I AM Sovereign and it is only I who can separate a husband and wife. Had I wanted you separate Gary would have died, you would have slept through to the morning and the separation would be final. I did not choose that path for you, I chose this one. This is the path I put you on, walk on my path and do not listen to any other voice. If a day comes when you and Gary must live separate, I and I alone will let you know. Satan speaks through the weak but you are strong in Me.

I want you all to remember that I am talking specifically on the covenant of marriage and the vow we take when we get married. In relation to that I will repeat what I already said. Love is longsuffering and kind and required for your spouse in your marriage. It is not required for any person who threatens those vows. God requires us to move with haste when the enemy attacks. This is what I did and that is how I got God’s answer. He is Sovereign!

April 13, 2012

1 Corinthians 13: 3
And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned but have not love, it profits me nothing.

I really want to dive into this writing and compare my real life with the movie “The Vow,” but before I do I want to write this: I am not always sweet, kind, innocent or loving. That is my sin and I confess it. At times I did behave badly and I know I did. I apologized and so have those who have stepped on my toes. The purpose of this personal journey is not to point out flaws, place blame or judge. I want to be honest in what I share and let others know that I understand what it is they are going through. I have shared this blog site with Marionjoy and with the group of women who are in a caretaker group with me. A lot of families are just now learning about Anoxic Brain Injury, and it is important to be honest and upfront with them so they know what to expect and that what they feel is normal.

I have said this before but I am going to repeat it just one more time. As Gary’s wife, the greatest burden of responsibility for his care has fallen upon my shoulders. This is due to the vow I took before God and Gary. That is what the movie is about. It is about keeping your wedding vow even when the other person can’t. Since it is I who carries the greatest burden, it is also I who feels that I carry the greatest pain. I don’t deny any other person’s pain, I just say the spouse carries the greatest pain. That is because every other person in Gary’s life–children, brother, nephew and friends, all go home at the end of the day and sleep soundly. I live with Gary, there is no going home, I am home and so is he, and I haven’t slept soundly since July 7, 2011.

I have to keep my ears open so I know when he gets out of bed, so I am sure he gets back in. I get up to go to the bathroom and he may follow me no matter what time it is. All of his family and friends can go out when they want and have dinner dates, etc. …I have to weigh out each option and am prepared to call it an early night, come home or don’t go out depending on Gary’s mood. Twice I have been at a restaurant, ordered the food and then told the waitress to make it an order to go because the restaurant was too stimulating for Gary and we had to get out of there. A trip to the grocery store can be too stimulating, so everything I do is weighed out carefully and even a trip to the convenient store for cream requires his full cooperation.

This is why I say I have the greatest pain, and every spouse who is a caretaker would give me a hearty amen. It is important for this to be said first because I want you to know that it is from a spouse’s point of view this will be written. That is the purpose of writing it, comparing it to the movie and with Scripture.

I am not always an angel, I am not always nice nor am I always right. What I am is the most important person in Gary’s life. I am his wife and no one and nothing can, should or better come between us. That is the vow we made to one another September 19, 2009. That is the vow I intend to keep. Obviously not every person knows how to respect the vow some people will actually tell me that Gary and I should separate because that is what is best for him. So this is when the unloving Michele does come out. But and this is a big but…this is the time when I think God calls my anger righteous and that is because NO ONE can come between a husband and wife except GOD. Since it was not GOD who suggested we separate than it is Satan speaking through that person. So it did not matter what good they thought they were doing me, they lacked love and they gained nothing.

April 11, 2012

1 Corinthians 13: 2-3
And though I have the gift of prophecy and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.

As the movie “The Vow” begins, we see the accident and how they met right up front. It is a rush of scenes and it is meant just to give you an overview of how the two of them met, fell in love and were inseparable. They had a life and they were happy. Then the car accident occurs, and as she wakes up from her injury it becomes clear that she has a brain injury. Gary and I met and married and had a spectacular life in a relatively short amount of time. Then Gary died in bed, and as he came out of the coma it was very clear that he had a brain injury.

In the movie the girl mistakes her husband for the doctor. In my real life, Gary was unable to focus his eyes, use his hands, walk and respond. His brain injury was far more serious but he did know me. In fact, the first thing Gary did when he opened his eyes was follow me around the room. Chantel was in the room with me when the neurologist walked in to talk to Gary. I moved from one side of the bed to the other and Gary followed me with his eyes. Then he refused to look at the doctor, and as we laughed I had to order him to pay attention to her so she could assess his progress. When he began to speak we realized that he lost executive functions of his brain due to long and short term memory loss.

I was sitting in Gary’s room with him one afternoon when a woman I don’t know walked in and told me she knew Gary. She worked with him before at a different hospital. I was crying and praying, and she told me to stop crying and have faith. Well, in response to her now and not then, I do have faith in God and I do believe that God can heal Gary. I just pray that God will heal Gary, but above all that I pray God gives me love for others. I pray that I will never ever walk into a hospital room and look at the one who is crushed by the illness which just devastated her life and speak those words. While I pray they would have faith, may God strike me dead if I question their faith at that time!

It does take a lot of faith to get through a crisis in life and I feel sorry for those who face trials and have no faith. I don’t choose that time in their life to remind them of that. I don’t say it to a believer either. If I think someone is lacking of faith I pray for them, I don’t criticize them. Now here is the amazing part to this, I am not alone in this experience. This is a common occurrence and so today’s message comes with a plea: Please, child of God, be Jesus for the person who is hurting. Jesus would come to them and hold them and love them, pray for them and serve them. He would not stand there and ask to see their faith and neither should you.

April 9, 2012

1 Corinthians 13:1
Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal.

How many of you have seen the movie “The Vow”? It is based on a true story about a couple that gets married and they get into an accident, and the woman wakes up with a brain injury. The brain injury has caused some memory loss. She cannot remember the last five years of her life; she does have short term memory so she can remember day to day. I ask because I went to see that movie. It was suggested to me, and someone actually said that it appeared to be a lot like my life. I do agree there are a lot of similarities but there are also so many differences. For that reason I have decided to write about the movie and my own experience, how I see God in my life and working through Gary and me. I do want to say before I even begin that I am going to be centering this all on the famous chapter in 1 Corinthians chapter 13 and the movie, “The Vow.”

I want you all to know that I belong to a group of women who are caregivers for husbands (and a son) who have anoxic brain injuries. An anoxic brain injury is caused by a lack of oxygen to the brain. Gary’s brain injury incurred when he died in bed and went longer than 10 minutes without his brain getting oxygen. He was in a coma for about 5 days and then was moved to Marionjoy Rehabilitation Center. There he learned to walk and take care of himself all over again. It was a slow progress. When he left he did outpatient therapy. As of today Gary has both long and short term memory loss. He remembers people and he can even remember how he knows the people, but he cannot remember a specific event. We are still working on that.

I mention that because the severity of an anoxic brain injury is far worse than the brain injury that was in the movie. That is the first thing that is not the same but very important to point out. The woman in the movie could be left alone and remember day by day what was happening around her, and Gary does not remember five minutes. This makes for a very long and hard day for his caretaker, me. It is what I have been doing since August 14, 2011. Today was a very hard day for me and as I continue to tell the story you will understand why.

The group that I referred to and I all feel that the first thing we need to address is all those out there who come to us with their point of view or advice with little to no understanding. Don’t get me wrong, we love our families and their support. We are talking about those people who are not family but feel that they can assess the situation from where they are standing and tell us what they believe we should be doing. I do think that they are trying to help in their own way but it just comes out all wrong. It comes out a lot like the clanging of brass; it is just noise and offensive noise. The reason is because I think it lacks the love that needs to be in all of our speech.

When I say love in speech I am not talking about sugar-coating or lying to someone so you can placate them. I mean really loving the person you are talking to, putting yourself in their position and asking before you speak, “Now if that were me would I want to hear this advice?” In fact, that might be a good place to start. If you see someone and they are abusing the person they care for, speak up loud and clear. If not ask God if you should share what you are thinking and if so, then ask yourself what is the best way. Like I said, a lot of people have come to me with advice and some of them I just love and thank them for it; others, not so much but then I just go to God in prayer and ask Him to help me forgive them for their ignorance. I am going to be writing about my experience with Gary and his anoxic brain injury and I am going to be honest about my stupid mistakes as well, so don’t feel picked on if you are one of those people in my life who clanged and banged. I pray I just say it all in love.

HE is RISEN!

But the angel answered and said to the women, “Do not be afraid, for I know that you seek Jesus who was crucified. He is not here; for He is rise, as He said, Come see the place where the Lord lay.
Matthew 28:5,6

What sets our God apart from all those false gods is that only our God came down to earth and became Man. Only our God came to earth fully Divine. Only our God took our sins and put them on Himself. Only our God died in our place. Only our God rose from the dead and conquered death so that we will never die but have eternal life. Only our God and our God is JESUS CHRIST LORD GOD KING RISEN TODAY.