February 14, 2012

Happy Valentines Day


Nehemiah 1:4

When I heard these things, I sat down and wept. For some days I mourned and fasted and prayed before the God of heaven.


Nehemiah has just learned that the wall of Jerusalem is broken down and the gates have been burned with fire. The news grips him and he is grieved, and he can do nothing but sit in front of God, weep, fast and pray.

In December I had the doctor put the defibulator/pacemaker in Gary. This was something the cardiologist had wanted to do from the start but couldn’t because of Gary’s brain injury. He got far enough where the doctor knew it would be safe and he performed the surgery. From the moment he came out of that surgery, it is clear to me that this was not a good move for his brain.

Gary has taken some steps backwards and then slightly to the left. What do I mean by that? Gary has periods during the day when he looks at me and tells me he does not love me, he never did and he wants me to go. One night he removed his wedding ring and gave it back to me. For 2 weeks he wrote about 10 notes a day telling me he did not trust me or my children and he needed help from me. As I type this I look up and he is smiling at me and says he loves me. I never know what I will get from Gary. One moment he loves me, the next he doesn’t. All of this is a part of his brain injury.

Now the knowledge that this is all a part of the brain injury does nothing for my anxiety. It is hard, very hard to hear someone tell you they don’t love you. I know at times he says he does love me and the brain in me says to ignore the times his brain goes the other way. The heart in me overrules the brain and the pain rips through me. I just sit before God and weep. I feel helpless but I know I’m not. Like Nehemiah I am not just going to sit there and cry. Nope, I am going to fast and pray. God is the only One who can heal Gary. There is no medicine, no therapy, no there is nothing that man can do for Gary. Thankfully I have a God who can do the impossible.

Do you have a problem in your life right now that is so huge it just knocks you down? Don’t be discouraged, the very best of God’s children have hit the ground but they don’t stay down. No, the children of God get up to fast and pray. Let us pray.

Lord God, I am done weeping and now ready to fast and pray. I know, Father, You can heal Gary and that is what I pray for in the Name of Jesus.



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