April 13, 2012

1 Corinthians 13: 3
And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned but have not love, it profits me nothing.

I really want to dive into this writing and compare my real life with the movie “The Vow,” but before I do I want to write this: I am not always sweet, kind, innocent or loving. That is my sin and I confess it. At times I did behave badly and I know I did. I apologized and so have those who have stepped on my toes. The purpose of this personal journey is not to point out flaws, place blame or judge. I want to be honest in what I share and let others know that I understand what it is they are going through. I have shared this blog site with Marionjoy and with the group of women who are in a caretaker group with me. A lot of families are just now learning about Anoxic Brain Injury, and it is important to be honest and upfront with them so they know what to expect and that what they feel is normal.

I have said this before but I am going to repeat it just one more time. As Gary’s wife, the greatest burden of responsibility for his care has fallen upon my shoulders. This is due to the vow I took before God and Gary. That is what the movie is about. It is about keeping your wedding vow even when the other person can’t. Since it is I who carries the greatest burden, it is also I who feels that I carry the greatest pain. I don’t deny any other person’s pain, I just say the spouse carries the greatest pain. That is because every other person in Gary’s life–children, brother, nephew and friends, all go home at the end of the day and sleep soundly. I live with Gary, there is no going home, I am home and so is he, and I haven’t slept soundly since July 7, 2011.

I have to keep my ears open so I know when he gets out of bed, so I am sure he gets back in. I get up to go to the bathroom and he may follow me no matter what time it is. All of his family and friends can go out when they want and have dinner dates, etc. …I have to weigh out each option and am prepared to call it an early night, come home or don’t go out depending on Gary’s mood. Twice I have been at a restaurant, ordered the food and then told the waitress to make it an order to go because the restaurant was too stimulating for Gary and we had to get out of there. A trip to the grocery store can be too stimulating, so everything I do is weighed out carefully and even a trip to the convenient store for cream requires his full cooperation.

This is why I say I have the greatest pain, and every spouse who is a caretaker would give me a hearty amen. It is important for this to be said first because I want you to know that it is from a spouse’s point of view this will be written. That is the purpose of writing it, comparing it to the movie and with Scripture.

I am not always an angel, I am not always nice nor am I always right. What I am is the most important person in Gary’s life. I am his wife and no one and nothing can, should or better come between us. That is the vow we made to one another September 19, 2009. That is the vow I intend to keep. Obviously not every person knows how to respect the vow some people will actually tell me that Gary and I should separate because that is what is best for him. So this is when the unloving Michele does come out. But and this is a big but…this is the time when I think God calls my anger righteous and that is because NO ONE can come between a husband and wife except GOD. Since it was not GOD who suggested we separate than it is Satan speaking through that person. So it did not matter what good they thought they were doing me, they lacked love and they gained nothing.


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