April 19, 2012

Love is not rude, selfish or resentful, and does not think evil. (1 Corinthians 13)

It is very difficult for any of us to follow this verse when our lives have been turned upside down. The hurt that I feel cannot be adequately expressed. I just know that EVERYTHING my life consisted of vanished in one night and while Gary is here, he is only physically here. Every now and then some parts of Gary will come back and he is like the old Gary, but just when I rejoice it leaves him.

There are times when I just want to scream, throw something and have a tantrum. There were times when I did but they do little to elevate the pain I feel. The one thing I try not to be is rude, selfish, resentful or think evil. Now I have to be honest, I do think evil but not about Gary. Sorry, but if you bug me during this hard time in my life, I am thinking evil about you and I try very hard not to and I give that to God. See, I told you I would be honest about my own sins.

I don’t think evil about Gary, I only think of healing for Gary. I want Gary healed and so I pray all day for Gary to be healed. I try not to be rude with Gary, but when I repeat for the 1000th time where the cutting board goes I sound a bit rude. I try not to be selfish, but at the end of the day I just want some time to be alone and beg God for help. I try really hard not to be resentful; I do resent this life every now and then.

I want every caretaker to read this and understand. Just as we have to give extra love to the ones we care for, we must give extra love to ourselves. We are human and we get discouraged and worn down. When we feel rude, resentful or selfish we need to learn to get over that and forgive ourselves. Have you ever read the Book of Psalms? King David is one of the biggest crybabies ever! He moans to God all the time about those who give him a hard time. He asks God to destroy them. This tells me that God knows we are going to be a moaning group and that is why He tells us how to love. He wants to take the moan right out of our speech.

This is a hard verse and I understand how hard it is, but more importantly, so does God. He made you, He put you on this road and He cares for you. So if you have to moan, go to God and moan and if you need human ears go to your support group. We all understand what is behind your moaning. Just remember, God loves you and so do I.

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