July 7, 2012
Song of Songs 2:16a NKJV
My beloved is mine, and I am his.
One year ago my life was perfect. Gary and I were making plans to move to Tennessee after my graduation. We just came back from being in Franklin and Brentwood, Tennessee, and we almost purchased property. Gary wanted to but I asked him to wait. I wanted us to look at Ashville, North Carolina first and make sure that Tennessee was the place we wanted to live forever. He didn’t like waiting but he did, and we were busy looking up property on the Internet and making plans to go to Ashville during my winter break from school. In August we were heading to New York City and Philadelphia and then Boston. We were going to vacation with Patti and Chuck and it was just one month away. The both of us were very excited.
On that night we were talking on the phone with Chantel. I wanted a pool to sunbathe and Gary said I could have one as long as it was in Chantel’s back yard. Chantel agreed and so while the two of us talked, Gary got on the computer and started to look for pools to purchase. We were laughing and having a good time. Then Gary stopped and told me he was tired and slipped off to bed. That was very unusual for him so I finished the call with Chantel and joined him. He said he was okay, just tired, and then as I started to fall asleep he said, “Michele, do you know how much I love you?” I told him yes and asked if he knew how much I loved him. Then we both drifted off to sleep. Two hours later, seconds before midnight, I heard a strange sound and woke up to find Gary dead.
Not one day has gone by since that day that I have not laid down in my bed and cried. Not one day has gone by that I have not begged God to please wake me up from this nightmare. Not one day, not one single day has gone by that I haven’t prayed and begged and wished for Gary to be healed.
I walk around my bedroom and see everything as it was the night this happened, and I keep telling myself to put some of the memories away. I try, I can’t. There are doctors who tell me that I have to grieve the old Gary and just understand he is never coming back and this new Gary is all I will have. I try, I can’t. Moving on, going forward is impossible at this time. I know I tried but I can’t. I can’t because there is a part of me that still hopes and wishes that Gary will be healed. There is a very sensible part of me that knows that day will not come. Still and in spite of all that, I can’t.
The only thing I can do now is beg God that on the day Gary gets to heaven God will show Gary all that I did for him during this time and just how much I loved him. That is important because Gary really wanted more than anything to be loved by a woman. When his first marriage ended Gary shared with me that she shattered his ideal of marriage. Gary was single for a long time. He dated here and there, got close to marrying another woman one time but backed out. He told me that he used to hate hearing the DJ on WBGL talk about his ‘bride’ and the reason he hated it is because he didn’t have a bride, he was jealous. When Gary and I got married, Gary called that radio station prior to our wedding day and dedicated September 19th to his bride Michele. He did that so that for the rest of his life he could hear the DJ say on our anniversary that Gary Beck had a bride. This is how important a wife was to Gary and that is why it is important to me that Gary knows when he gets to heaven that he was loved more than he ever imagined. I had planned on making Gary happy for the rest of his life. Now I struggle to be remembered the rest of mine. That is the nature of this brain injury and the hard truths I am learning to deal with.
It was one year ago on this day that my entire world turned upside down when my husband’s heart stopped and mine shattered. Gary you will never know as long as you are alive just how much I love you. It is for that reason that I pray to God and ask Him to show you and tell you because baby you really did want a wife to always be by your side, and she is Gary and she always will be.
Ti amo molto beni Gary.
This is a song I have chosen that reflects how I feel. It is not a Christian song but it is a song that really speaks the words my heart cries out.